A few days after her routine flu vaccination, Desiree Jennings became violently ill, with a fever and aches all over her body. Her suffering rapidly progressed into a rare neurological disorder called dystonia. Her speech fragmented into stuttering gibberish. She suffered constant, violent convulsions, experiencing repetitive seizures and fainting spells as her brain lost control of her body and lungs. It got so bad that her husband had to put her food into a blender; she simply couldn’t chew without going into seizures. Unable to control her muscles, her stammering, jerking, twisted gait is even more disturbing when compared to her life before. Breathtakingly beautiful, she not only served as cheerleading ambassador for the Washington Redskins, but had a promising career in marketing, a charming newlywed husband and a passion for running marathons.
Despite the hopeless devastation of dystonia, Desiree didn’t give up. When conventional medicine had nothing to offer her, she sought alternative treatments. Remarkably, Desiree has regained almost complete control of her nervous system, and can basically live her life again.
Does mainstream media tout this as the miraculous story of human determination triumphing over a mysterious disease? No. Instead, they accuse Desiree of perpetrating an elaborate hoax.
Gordon,
ReplyDeleteWow. What a unique and tragic story. You did a great job of contrasting Desiree’s former beauty with the devastation of her disease—and I could gush endlessly about the ending. Before I begin, I should warn you. No matter how much I love a piece of work, I am an editor at heart. I will give you as many suggestions as I can come up with, but that does not mean you haven’t written an excellent piece; you have.
Alright, away we go!
If this were my paragraph, I would spend some time working to make it shorter and more powerful. I would lead in with, “A few days after her vaccination, she became violently ill.” And let the story unravel itself from there. I would limit descriptions of her former beauty to the end of the third paragraph, the area where you mention her posing in photos as a former cheerleader. That line in that place is—to abandon all eloquence—a slap in the face. It’s easy to imagine the victim, the patient, the destitute, but to finish the figure off with the image of a perfect, pert cheerleader has a pretty jarring effect.
Instead of stating that the sight of her could bring tears to the reader’s eyes, I would attempt to do so with a more vivid description of her suffering—perhaps a few lines explaining how she felt. Was she devastated? Furious? Humiliated? Terrified?
I like the mention of alternative medicine. It flashed through my mind, close behind the vaccine, when I read the word “hoax” at the end. It seemed to fit into the theme of the mainstream attitude towards western medicine. But at the same time, I would consider minimizing details of her miraculous recovery, in order to maximize reality and emotional impact of her suffering. (I know that sounds twisted.)
I hope this helps.
Cheers!
A young cheerleader, Desiree is being described, as well as her horrid and life-changing battle with a "harmless" flu shot.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if bringing to life is the right words here...more like making me cringe in sympathy and anger towards her great life turned tragic. You did a great job at making Desiree seem real especially with the first paragraph because you wanted us to know that her life was pretty perfect and that bring an NFL cheerleader meant she must have been a beautiful girl.
Like I said, it brings out anger, sympathy, and pity. Anger for what has happened to Desiree and that in the end is deemed a "hoax." Sympathy for poor Desiree who just wanted to be worry-free of the flu, and pity toward her great life turned horrid. The sentences describing her never-ending seizures and her husband having to put her food in a blender are very powerful.
My favorite mental image would be your first paragraph because it sets in our mind the story of an NFL cheerleader who seems to have a great life ahead of her. This paragraph makes us like Desiree greatly so that when she is diagnosed with dystonia we want to know why the hell this has to happen!
Something that I thought could be changed would be the ending. This all depends on what you were aiming for, but maybe keep the negative emotions high and then lead into what the mainstream media did to help...which was nothing.
Here's my original Enargeia, to which the above comments referred:
ReplyDeleteLife couldn’t be better for Desiree Jennings, a 25-year old cheerleading ambassador for the Washington Redskins with a promising career in marketing. She liked to run marathons and spend time with her husband. Hoping to protect her health, Desiree did what any of us might do-she went to her local grocery store in the fall of ’09 for a routine flu shot.
Then the problems started.
A few days after her vaccination, she became violently ill, with a fever and aches all over her body. Her symptoms rapidly progressed into a rare neurological disorder-dystonia. Once a beautiful, well-kept young woman, the sight of Desiree with dystonia is enough to bring tears to your eyes. Her efforts to talk devolved into stuttering and gibberish. She suffered violent convulsions, experiencing repetitive seizures and fainting spells as the signal telling her lungs to breathe was interrupted. It got so bad that her husband had to put her food into a blender; she simply couldn’t chew without going into seizures. Unable to control her muscles, her stammering, jerking, twisted gait is even more disturbing when compared to images of her posing in her cheerleading outfit before the disaster.
But Desiree didn’t give up. When conventional medicine had nothing to offer her, she sought alternative treatments, such as chelation and intravenous amino acids. Remarkably, Desiree has regained almost complete control of her nervous system, and can basically live her life again.
Does mainstream media tout this as the miraculous story of human determination triumphing over a mysterious disease? No. Instead, they accuse Desiree of perpetrating an elaborate hoax.